tracy lyons  watermedia artist

 When I returned to my work, I vowed to return to my original intent when I began painting. To explore and to express. I vowed to give my work a safe and protective space to develop freely on its own in any direction it needed. To not exhibit for awhile, to paint only for myself, to lose the sense of always feeling eyes on it. I was not sure how long it would take before I could lose even a subconscious flutter of what someone might think of my paintings, how they might react to my work. How they might judge me. 

It took awhile! But then, the black series was born. This series spanned the course of a few years of a lot of painting, a lot of toiling, and a lot of unfinished pieces! I was, however, able to finish a few pieces. And oh!...what I learned!

My black paintings accomplished what I set out to accomplish. I found out what my work would be and look like if no one were looking. What I learned was that it was MY eyes that were the problem! I did not anticipate the struggle I would have in seeing me and seeing my own work; in accepting me and accepting my own work.

It is easy to hide behind haze and fog and filters and to assume these filters are there because of other people. My toil and trouble was that I no longer had an excuse. When stripped of those excuses and with no real need for outside acceptance, I realized.  It was me, all along, not them. 

It was me I was filtering for, it was me I was hiding from, it was me who could not accept what my work looked like! The outside world does not care, they like your paintings or they don't. It is not personal to them, they do not judge. But I did. I judged my work as good or bad and in turn judged myself as good or bad. I did not see my work as a whole and for what it is. Work. Good, bad or indifferent. It is what it is and does not define me as a person. A tough concept for an expressionist to swallow!

There is nothing more destructive to art and to an artist than self judgement. The cause of disenchantment, the cause of stagnation, the cause of fear to go anywhere or do anything within your work. The cause of hiding from who you are and what you might look like. What your paintings might look like. Inside and out.

Yes, my black paintings are rich, deep, and meaningful to me. They will always have a special place in my heart as the most exploratory, the most expressive, the most difficult, and the most satisfying work I had done up to that point. It was the period in my life when I crossed the line from painter to artist. Yes, I will miss this painting especially. Yes, I am especially happy it found a good home. The best news is, there is always more to come!